


It’s not my home it’s a house

by iimyyyy



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Alternate Universe - Foster Family, Anxiety, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Other, Panic Attacks, Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression, Sleepy Bois Inc as Family, Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings, Wilbur Soot and TommyInnit are Siblings, Younger Sibling TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-09
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:55:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 20,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28647924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iimyyyy/pseuds/iimyyyy
Summary: Growing up in the foster system is hard, nobody ever really thinks of how much a kid can be impacted by these things until Tommy meets Phil and his life gets a little better but it’s still not perfect.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 75
Kudos: 759
Collections: Cute MCYT





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi this is my first time writing on ao3, so I apologise anyway I have dyslexia so if I have spelt anything wrong just let me know, I don’t mind being corrected anyway thank you :)

The truth of the foster system is that it’s very messed up that’s all Tommy could ever think about. He would be moved around from group homes to individual yet never staying there long. He gained the nickname “problem child” when he first came into the system and had never stayed at a home long enough to change anyone’s mind on that name. 

Tommy had been in the system since he was 10 and for those 6 years he was never able to call a house a home. Standing outside of his last group home with the rain pouring down on him; Tommy waited for his case worker to come pick him up. Tommy stood with his one black rubbish bag with his little belongings and waited for her silver Mercedes to pull up onto the drive way.

The amount of times he had the talk about being a disappointment and how he need to act better and it’s his fault he was being kicked out of homes was untrue. And with the heavy sounds of the rain on the porch roof, a silver car came into the driveway with a lady with a disappointed face staring back at him. 

Your head is the most dangerous place to be, where you can have constant thoughts of loneliness and having the unexplainable feeling to just give up and Tommy has been in this spiral far to deep to escape constantly moving faster and faster down. But thoughts are thoughts, they can’t hurt you right? 

“Get in Tommy” said Cara

With that Tommy was no longer alone trapped in his head and was snapped out of whatever he was just thinking about. Tommy opened the passenger door and kept his head down as he gradually got into the car. Cara gave the I’m very annoyed face as soon as he looked over so Tommy immediately darted his eyes to anything else to focus on. 

“Tom this is your 2 home this month, come on kid you have to try and stay a little longer. There isn’t much worse I can offer kiddo” 

Tommy just nodded and said nothing focusing on the rain falling down on the windshield. The lane between same and insane is slowly fraying, holding on by one lose thread and as that thread slowly pulls away Tommy would be left on is own yet again.

The 16 year old kept rubbing his wrist slowly avoiding conversation with Clara he didn’t want to talk that was made obvious by the sheer silence of the car ride. The thought of having to sit in Claras office for a couple of hours made Tommy huff in annoyance and made him rethink his actions of his previous home. 

He never did things on purpose never. Well that’s what he always thought.

Tommy hated having to stay at houses with family’s who had their own children. The family would have a superhero complex because they were helping a poor helpless child, saving him from this awful system. The house he was staying at had 2, both of which we girls and they were in Tommy’s words the devils incarnation. They would scream and yell and mess with Tommy’s personal belongings never having any privacy. He lashed out at them yelling after they touched a photo of him and his mum. It was the first time he has made a noise in years but here he was sitting on a black leather seat of a Mercedes and with those events led to him sitting in a deadly silent car with his case worker yet again.

Tommy didn’t talk much, he can’t really remember when he used to be this loud kid. Calling names at the kids at his primary school and coming home to a warm house with his mum and dad. Tommy pretty much became mute at soon has he joined the system. It at first was the fact that he just didn’t want to talk about the events of the god forsaken night where he had lost both of his parents and ended up in the hell many called the foster system.

Talking to people took effort it meant that people would have to deal with his emotions. The young blonde boy didn’t think he deserved to tell people his problems because they were busy with their own, he always thought he didn’t have the right to bother them with his own inconveniences, he wasn’t important enough for that. 

At one of the many houses he stayed at they had taught him sign language, he was great full for this and wished now he had open up to that family but as family’s always do when he became to much of a problem he was whisked away back to Clara. 

“Tommy…Tommy… did you hear anything I have just said young man” 

Tommy nodded slowly pretending to have cared he wasn’t listening and was to busy stuck in his own head to , but thought that would be the better outcome of this situation. 

When the car finally pulled up to Claras office Tommy opened the passenger door and finally got out stretching his legs a bit. Clara called him over and they headed to her office. It was a familiar place to the foster child, with the same blue grey walls it had when he was 10 never bothered him it reminds him of home or what he would like to be home. 

He sat in the chair in the corner like always and Clara handed him a pad of paper respecting the boys choice not to speak. Clara then walked over to her desk to start making some phone calls to see where she could place Tommy. 

“Selective mutism” was what he was told by one of the many therapists he had been to over these 6 years. It was a coping mechanism for the night where he lost family where he was no longer the long obnoxious boy he was before but a shell of the human. 

Sometimes silence was nice for Tommy other times he liked music to fill the silence but sitting in his case workers office whilst she is on the phone just makes him anxious at the very least. That’s when he starts picking at the skin on the back of his hand, it was a bad habit he had picked up on from years of being alone. It seemed a better choice then the copping mechanism he was using previously. Still wasn’t healthy though. 

Clara came over and stated to speak, “Hey Toms you okay there, I’ve just got off the phone with a man called Phil. He has two adopted sons and is looking to foster, you seem like a perfect fit” 

Tommy stated to scribble on the piece of paper then handed it to Clara, “they won’t make me talk right?”

The blonde boy didn’t like to be pressured to talk it made him overwhelmed and annoyed he liked to be quite it was his way of being him. Clara glanced up and said, “Of course not, now Phil is a great man and he seems to want to meet you first, so that means you’re going to have to stay in my office for a little bit before we know you are the right fit for Phil’s home okay.”

Fostering children was a long process from what Tommy knew, they would have to make sure the home was alright and how the adults would deal with the child but he already had two sons why did he want anymore. The child looked up at Clara and nodded slowly and then went back to his own head yet again. 

When did Phil want to meet, Clara hadn’t said. That made Tommy even more anxious he liked to know everything it was a small way to show he had little power in his powerless state. Clara could see his panic on his face and walked back over to him.

“Toms what’s wrong?” Clara questioned

Tommy stated to write in the paper before thrusting it at Clara quickly. Once she has read the paper she answered “Today, don’t worry he is also bringing his sons to meet you too” 

Don’t worry those thoughts rattled round his head. He was meeting new people who could be looking after him for a short while and he wanted; no needed to make a good impression because if not he would be stuck in a group home where food was not really any good and was never shared out equally. The older boys stealing any belongings you own, the constant loud sounds of young kids crying. He didn’t want to go back to a group home so he just payed back in the old office chair he sat in currently and closed his eyes blocking out the terrible image he was just thinking about. 

When he was finally woken up Clara had told him Phil and his two kids where outside and ready to meet him. Tommy stated to pick at the skin on his left hand yet again to just to try and stay calm. 

“Mr Watson, please sit down over here I’ll introduce you to Thomas,” Cara said.

Tommy cringed at the use of his full name but knew better then to comment on it.

The man was smaller then he thought and had a white and green bucket hat on with his blonde hair showing through underneath. Tommy have that smile, the one where you’re not actually smiling but it’s just an polite thing to do. 

Phil, looked over to Tommy and stated to speak, “Hi Thomas I’m Mr Watson but you can call me Phil, other there the one with the brown hair is called Wilbur but he goes by Wil, and then the one with the long pink hair is called Techno, they are twins and I adopted them both when they were 13 they are now 17, so they are a year older then you right?”

Tommy could tell he was being polite and just making conversation but but Tommy didn’t want to answer he just wanted the silence again that allowed him to be at peace but he nodded slowly. Tommy then wondered if Phil knew if he was mute, and if he didn’t what if he got annoyed at Tommy and tried to make him talk. All of these thoughts led a new voice to say 

“Come on breathe, can you just follow my breathing pattern or we can count to ten” 

Tommy thought the voice was quite monotone then looked up to see where it was coming from. He frantically moved his hands around firing sentences in sign language trying to explain that he couldn’t talk but to everyone else it just looked like he was waving his ands in a state of panic. Tommy kept following the voice though until he was grounded and then the voice spoke again “Its alright kid, I used to get panic attacks too”

Tommy soon looked up to see it was Techno taking, if Tommy was the loud kid he used to be he would have made a snarky comment about how weird his name was but instead he just sat in silence. 

Cara broke the slice by saying “Toms is mute he hasn’t spoken in a little over three years, uses sign language to communicate but if the family don’t know sign then he will right down everything he wants to say in some paper or a white board.”

Phil just replied “That’s alright, I’m sure we can sign up t some sign language classes soon” 

And Tommy let out a breathe he didn’t know he was holding and finally he felt a little comfortable in this office.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BSL, has different sentence structures to English but for the sake of the story it will be written as grammatically correct English. For instance BSL doesn’t have past tense it depends on time phrases. :)

Tommy knew he was going to have to wait, full licenses could take up to 8 months, making sure you had the right training and assessment. It was to make sure the parents or guardians are suitable. Once you had the approval from the government you could have a placement. 

So here Tommy was sat in yet another group home with a shared room and screaming kids. Since Phil had already fostered before all the steps where filled out. Phil already had approval so why was the young boy here he kept questioning.

The truth is there is a lot that goes on behind the scenes and fostering a child was complex, however tomorrow was the day the silver car would pull up and take him away from the hell hole. 

Tommy still hadn’t unpacked anything that he treasured from his previous placement in case it was damaged or stolen by the other kids. With the little clothes he had it left him with a very full bag, full of memories of before.

Tommy never really had the feeling of being part of a family as previous houses would establish differences between themselves and him. Every family is different and if something were to go missing Tommy would be the first to be blamed this is one of the many reasons he bounced around so many homes. 

Growing up in the system sucked you were given a last name “Ward” to show you were owned, Tommy was powerless in this world. Constant feeling of not belonging, all the young British boy wanted was to have a family that would care about him. He was being ambitious though thinking that Mr Watson would fill the empty whole. 

When morning finally broke, today was the day. The back of Tommy’s hand was red raw after he had been scratching at it all night. It was starting to draw blood so he stopped after that point. Putting in a pair of old jeans that were to small but all he had on; and his classic red and white long sleeve top covering his wrists. Since none of his clothes fit he was able to wrap the too long arms over the tops of his hands to cover the redness. 

Outside on the stone path he saw Clara walk over and ring the bell in the main door. He was quickly called down and before leaving his room he grabbed the black bin bag with the few items he cared about inside, and tumbled down the stairs. 

“How are you today Toms?” Clara asked as she saw him come down to the ground floor. 

The boy gave a quick thumbs up but was careful to not show the back of his hand. 

Finally he was in the car and this time it was silent, the radio was on playing BBC news and Tommy was quite content with the background noise. Sometimes silent was nice other times it wasn’t, it left you in a state where it was a loud mess and your thoughts could corrupt the bit of sanity you are holding onto for dear life. 

Music though was something Tommy holds onto, he remembers dancing in the kitchen with his mum whilst making cakes or listening to his dad dance and sing just to embarrass him. There was a song for any occasion it became a way for the young boy to show his mood without having to say a word. He used to have an iPod it played all of his favourite music and remind him of a time where he was truly happy. That’s until it was taken by the older kids when he first put at a home. From then on he never let anything special out of his bag, even though it was a tacky black bin bag that should be single use; being held together by black duck tape it did its job. 

Staring out of the window he could just see the world move pass at such a fast speed, making the boy think about how technically he is a small insignificant piece of a giant piece of the world. Tommy was never one to say he was nothing but there were times where he didn’t want to die however he did want to be able to close his eyes and not feel any emotion but those never come and instead he is plagued with nightmares of the night he lost it all.

So many times he was asked to recall the night, thinking about the event led to him blocking that part of his brain off he never wants to talk about it again. 

As Clara pulls the boy out of his head by saying, “We are here Toms” 

He nodded nervously and questionably looked at the house infront of him, it was in one of the better areas and as he looked to his left, out of the corner of his eye saw a boy similar age to him talking to himself wondering around the corner. He might ask Phil about him later but he wasn’t sure. It had taken a month, that was 30 days, 720 hours, 43,200 minutes and finally 2,592,000 seconds. That was a long time and at some point Tommy thought Mr Watson was never going to foster the child and it was some sick trick being played on him. 

Looking over to Clara, before heading to the front door, he stated to fiddle with the end of his sleeve to release some of his built up stress. Clara rang the door bell and one of the sons answered with a smile on his face. It was Wilbur if Tommy could remember, this boy was about 6 foot something and had brown fluffy hair with a beanie on top . The boy then called out to Phil to say Tommy was there now with Clara.

Tommy nervously smiled and started to rock back and forth on his feet out of habit. Phil came walking down the hall and gave a big smile and continued to usher them inside to the warmth. 

The house was nice clearly well maintained and was very spacious, it was the best looking and biggest house the young boy had ever been in. As they walked to the kitchen Phil offered a drink to Tommy whilst him and Clara were going to have a chat. 

Tommy shook his head to indicate no. With that response Phil said to Wilbur to show Tommy around the house. 

Wilbur said to break the awkward air “Hey kid, sorry about the long wait, I’ll go grab a piece of paper for you to respond to me with, then I’ll show you right alright mate?”

Tommy smiled at the comment and followed Wilbur careful to keep his distance. The thought Clara was here though made him feel better, they would never act out whilst a social worker was here. Tommy was handed a pad of paper and a pen by Wil. 

“So kid what do you think about this place” Wilbur asked after the tour of the huge house, Tommy started to write something then handed it to Wilbur. 

Wilbur read it and nodded, then continued to speak, “Dad, Tech and I have been taking sign language lessons and even though I only know the basic Dad is pretty good, I’m sure you could sign to him saves you writing everything out all the time. Anyway do you want to bring your stuff up from the kitchen to your room?”

Tommy nodded and they headed back to the kitchen. As he walked in Phil started to speak “Just in time, Clara is going to go now, do you want say anything before she goes?” 

Tommy just replied with a shake of his head and waved Clara and the silver car off. Tommy felt some what comfortable but he knows he shouldn’t let his defences down, it was to early.

Phil started to ask if he wants to take his stuff upstairs to his room, the young boy nodded and grab the ripped up bag. A frown came upon Phils face.

“Thomas is that all you have?” 

Tommy wondered if he could truly sign and started to sign quickly explaining that he didn’t own much and he would be preferred to be called Tommy.

Phil sighed and then said, “Hey mate, I can’t understand when you sign super fast but if you slow down I might be able to okay.”

Tommy slowed down his frantic signing and explained everything he said previously and with that Phil nodded. 

“Okay Tommy, how about tomorrow we go out to the shops to get you some new clothes and shoes. If you want we can even get stuff for your room.”

Tommy signed “Thank you”

With that conversation he followed them upstairs to his bare bedroom and placed the rubbish bag on his bed. The room was a plain white and had white sheets in the bed. White was a calm colour not really having any emotions just pure stillness. Tommy liked that.

Noticing the young blonde boys smile, Phil questioned “ Do you have any boundaries you want me to know about, then once you answered I’ll explain the rules of the house.”

Tommy started to sign “The stuff at the bottom of the bag, the ones in the red back pack with tape on, cannot be touched by anyone. Don’t come in my room if the door is closed without knocking and that’s it” 

Phil nodded and explained everything that Tommy had said to Wilbur vocally. Then explained Techno was out with some friends who would be coming back later. After putting down the rules, the new child was left in his room all alone with just his thought yet again. Tommy was content with this and lay down onto the bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I’ve got dyslexia so if anything is spelled wrong I apologise. Also updates will be as regular as i can but I do have online classes at the moment and they suck :( hey it could be worse make sure you wear your mask and stay home if you can.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if anything is spelt wrong and grammatical errors like I’m too lazy to actually be good at English. God my English teacher would be so mad, she would be like we didn’t spend months analysing Shakespeare and other poems for you to say English grammar doesn’t matter but hey I’m free from her until lockdown is lifted again. Anyway Bojo can keep the country in lockdown for all I care online lessons mean less socail interaction anyway I’m rambling enjoy the chapter :)

Just lying there felt nice. Calm. Tommy liked calm, his life had always been a storm and eventually a storm will pass perhaps now was the right time. The scabs in the back of his hands had been picked off by the young boy after feeling stressed out earlier. He looked at the blood slowly coming to the surface and immediately stopped. 

Tommy heard a car pull up onto the drive way of the house. Then out got two young men, one with long pink hair with a braid and another with a green hoodie covering his face. Tommy wandered of to the window and recognised Techno, but not the other boy. 

The oak door swung open and Techno called out, “Hey dad I’m home, and Dreams here with me.”

That answered the question of who the other boy was. Tommy stayed in his bedroom, it was his safe space, he didn’t want to leave the comfort of the white and so he lay backdown onto the bed. 

“Tommy come on down we need to have a chat.” Tommy heard Phil yell from the ground floor. 

He slowly snapped out of his dream like state and opened the door, closing it behind him as he went. Had he already done something wrong, no he can’t of. What if Phil found out what happened to his parents and gets mad. All of these thoughts raced round the British boys mind, making him feel more anxious then he had previously. 

Slowly walking down the stairs he was greeted to his surprise smiling faces, from everyone. Dream held out his hand to introduce himself but Tommy just let his eyes wonder to the floor to avoid any sort of communication. 

Tommy had grown up very fast, this was because he never had somebody to take care of him. He had always been alone and seeing so many people informs of him confused him. He didn’t understand why they would care about making him feel at home. The boy wanted it to stop for the facade to be dropped so it was reality so when the worse came and he was shipped back of to Clara he didn’t have any attachments to them, but they were making it hard for that. 

“Toms, this is Dream one of Techs friend, okay? We are going to go shopping now to get stuff for your room, clothing for you and also school stuff.” Phil said calmly.

Tommy froze at the word school. It was well school. Moving from one hell to another everyday going from group homes to school was no different. The bad food and the annoying kids meant there was really no way to differentiate them according to Tommy. 

A wave of feeling uncomfortable came over Tommy, he no longer wanted any communication with them. Didn’t want to write or sign. He just stood there. 

“Come on Dream we’ll head to my room” with that being said mystery boy disappeared upstairs with Techno. 

That made the atmosphere a little better for Tommy where he finally had the courage to sign out “Yeah sure, what time” as he finished pointing to his wrist to indicate time. 

Phil answered “Wilbur and I were thinking now if that’s okay with you?”

Tommy nodded and with that they said goodbye to Techno and Dream and headed of to the car. 

The young boy looked like he had seen a ghost. The car in-front of him cause a flood of nightmares to appear inside of his brain. Some people with trauma forget the accident it’s a coping mechanism of the brain others are left with the constant replay of the events playing constantly over and over agin in their mind. Tommy was the latter. The blonde boy would never forget the night. 

It was his fault.

No it wasn’t. 

Yes it was. 

No it wasn’t. 

Tommy remembers everything. No small detail was forgotten. The night that his life changed made him angry at his self. He had always blamed himself; nobody had ever told him any different and this led to the constant feeling the young boy had. Self hate. 

His breathing was becoming hard and tight. His lungs were becoming a knot inside of him. He just wanted to give up. But a strong hand landed on his back and stated to rub circles round to try and keep Tommy grounded.

“Come in Toms, breathe with me, just follow my voice.” The voice was calm, Tommy like calm. His breathe became longer and less stressed. The fog inside his brain soon cleared. Coming back to reality. 

The car was similar but not the same as the one that caused his parents to pass. He couldn’t tell Phil, he didn’t deserve someone to worry about him. His problems weren’t important enough to worry about it. 

Phil was clearly concerned with what he had just saw. Tommy saw genuine worry on Phil’s face. Why did her care though? That confused Tommy. Normally nobody would bat and eye but maybe Phil was different.

“I’m not angry at you, I’m just curious what happened there? Do you have panic attacks often?” 

Tommy nodded his head but didn’t answer the first question. Phil continue to wonder “Did something trigger it, or was it just out of the blue?”

Tommy again didn’t answer keeping his eyes locked to his feet. The shoes were clearly well worn with the laces fraying and holes on the sole. 

“Do you still want to go to the shops or will that be a job for tomorrow?” 

Tommy didn’t want to answer he just wanted silence, silence was good. Nothing could hurt him then instead he starters to sign, “I’ll go but I don’t want to talk about it” 

Phil then opened the car door, and the young boy followed. He then sat down at the back with Wilbur in the front and just wanted silence. 

Was it to much to ask. It appeared to be so, instead Wilbur turned on the radio, and searched station until he found one that was playing music. Tommy liked music, he sometimes wanted to sing along. It seemed like a free way to express yourself yet not actually having to explain but instead he sat there picking at the lose threads of his long sleeve top. 

As the car pulled up into a space Tommy realised that Wilbur was talking to him. He felt bad that he ignored the boy but didn’t say anything instead he made a rubbing motion in his chest to indicate sorry and wandered over to Phil. 

The older man had a smile on his face and asked where the young boy wanted to start. There was to many people over in one direction so Tommy just headed the other way. Then they wondered inside Homebase. The store was huge with lots of furniture and decoration img supplies. 

“Kid what colour paint do you want for your room?” Phil questioned as they wondered down the paint isle. 

Tommy pointed to a colour that reminded him of Clara’s office, it was a grey blue and he liked that. Phil picked up two cans of the paint and put them into the trolley. Tommy continued to wander around the store with Phil and Wilbur pointing to things like lamps and desk that he liked. 

Phil smiled as he saw the young boy become more relaxed around them, still not signing much but having a little bit more of a conversation. 

As they headed out and payed, Phil pointed to the Apple store and told Tommy that they were going to head there. 

The store was quite crowded but that didn’t bother Phil, Wilbur ran off to the cool new technology and started to play around in the iPads; whilst the new child stuck firmly to Phil’s side. 

Phil pointed to a phone and asked if Tommy wanted one. That made Tommy feel something he hadn’t in a long time, it was only a small gesture of buying something but it was something. He smiled and signed “Yes please” and with that Phil bought Tommy a phone.

There was still one more thing the new family needed to do. School supply shopping, the older male had put it off to last not wanting to worry Tommy. However he knew it was necessary and with that they wondered to Tesco. Phil picked up a couple of items for the food shop such as the meal deals. And wondered what the young blonde boy liked to eat.

Tommy just pointed to anything really not wanted to make Phil worry about him. The trolley was getting kind of full, and as he headed down the stationery isle Tommy knew the worse. Phil picked up some pens and note books and put them in the cart. Tommy just listened to Wilbur talking the whole time.

As they payed and headed back to the car, Tommy had felt something he hadn’t in a long time a sense of belonging.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tesco meal deals slap, like I can get sandwiches, crisps and a drink for £3 what a great deal. I used to get them all the time when I was actually going to school.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self harm 
> 
> Also I kind of won’t post tomorrow I think cause of school. So double today :)
> 
> Please follow my TikTok i.myyyyy I draw and stuff

With the screech of the tires indicating they were back at the house. Tommy carefully pulled the silver handle and let the door open. The cold air blasted onto his face. He helped Phil carry the bags back into the house, putting them at the entrance and then standing there waiting for instructions. 

“Toms how about we paint your room and set everything up tomorrow, it’s getting a bit dark. You can set up your phone if you want to now?” 

Tommy allowed his face to smile and nodded following Phil and Wilbur into the large kitchen. The marble counter tops were clean and Wilbur sat at the stool under the island and the young boy copied. Phil grabbed the phone out of the bag and set it up with Wilbur, Tommy just watched intently.

The blonde boy could hear two sets of footsteps coming down the stairs allowing him to see Techno and this Dream kid. 

“Dad is it alright if Dream stays for dinner?” Techno questioned

Phil of course agreed being the kind hearted man he was and with that the older boys disappeared from the kitchen taking a glass of water each with them. With the thought of the other boy, Tommy remembered the boy that was talking to himself earlier and with that he tapped Wilburs shoulder to get his attention. 

“Yeah what is it?” Wil snapped 

This caused Tommy to be startled and instead he let the thought go, not wanting to annoying the boy. He quickly changed his glance else where whilst trying to keep calm. 

“I’m sorry Tom for snapping, I didn’t mean to. Feel free to ask what you were going to.” 

Tommy was not really comfortable in the room but didn’t want to make Wil anymore annoyed then he was. Tommy started to sign asking about the young boy but then remembered that Wil said he didn’t really know much sign so instead stopped. 

Phil was watching the conversation and asked , “Toms if you want me to translate to Wil just ask, or when you get Wil’s number in your phone you can text it him?”

Tommy picked up the phone and scrolled down to the contact that said Wilbur, he started to type out the message and then sent it to Wilbur’s phone. Wil read the message and smiled. 

“That’s Tubbo, his in your year at school I think. He is Dreams younger brother and lives across the road from us you could meet him if you want.” 

Phil joined the conversation by asking, “What do you want for dinner Toms?”

Not used to this kind of question Tommy was set back, he wasn’t quite sure. Usually it was whoever got to the kitchen first however this time he had a choice. Tommy signed out that he wanted pizza. Wilbur gave him a quick high five understanding what the young British boy had signed out. 

“How about we call Tech and Dream down to see what toppings they would like?” 

Wilbur quickly ran up the stairs and with that the boys followed behind him. They all ended up doing half and half pizzas from domino’s and the order was placed. 

Tommy wandered upstairs after this long eventful day. Closing the door behind him he quickly reached into his rubbish bag pulling the torn red backpack from the bottom. Quickly unzipping the bag it revealed, family photos and other personal items. He saw the space on the bed side table and put a family photo from when he was younger. He smiled at it remembering the holiday like it was yesterday. He then pulled out a brown bear and rested him on the pillow. Kids at group homes had bullied him for sleeping with a teddy but he felt safe here and didn’t think that would happen. 

The bear had been a gift from his mum, it was given to him the day before the crash. It felt so significant to Tommy, it held so many memories and had wiped so many tears as well. 

Phil was standing outside the door listening to the boy silently weep. Phil knocked on the door slowly not wanted to scare the boy. When Tommy opened the door he saw, the family photos by the side of his bed. Phil noted that.

After today’s events Phil was worried. The young boy had gone into a state of complete panic and it took them 5 or so minutes to calm him down, the older male wanted to know what triggered it to avoid this topic or item. 

As he looked around he noticed the bear and asked “What’s the bears name Tom?”

Tommy just stared at the man, then wrote down on a pad of paper “just bear”. Phil then knew he had to do something Tommy wouldn’t like,

“I know you don’t want to talk about what happened earlier but we do need to have a chat, how about after the pizza comes?” 

This was not how the blonde wanted the concept to go but instead of trying to argue, he just gave a quick nod of his head. Phil left the room swiftly and with that he was left alone. 

If you were to ask Tommy if he liked being alone early he would have said yes but now he didn’t. When the stress became to much and the thoughts would take over he would never think rationally. The bad thoughts were screaming at him, he couldn’t make them stop. He wanted them to stop. The young blonde just wanted them to stop, so after looking through the red backpack. He found a black box shoved at the very bottom. He grabbed a blade then headed to the bathroom. 

Tommy had experience with this many times and had tried other coping mechanisms; such as pinging a rubber band or doodling on his arm. No he wouldn’t. But he couldn’t stop once he had started. 

Seeing the red angry lines on his wrist always made him mad but at the same time he deserved it. Didn’t he? 

It was his fault his parents were dead. 

No it wasn’t. 

Yes it was, and as that last thought came to mind Tommy couldn’t stop. 

The stress was released and he felt calmer, more grounded. He quickly cleaned up grateful that he didn’t do to many cuts. He wrapped a bandage around his arm and allowed his favourite red and white top to cover his arm. 

As he headed back to his room, the door bell rang.

“Tommy pizzas here!” Techno called 

Tommy quickly shoved the black box down to the bottom of the backpack, and came down the stairs causally like nothing had happened. 

He could smell the pizza flooding through the house and sat down at the table, with everyone else. 

Then he remembered what Wil had said earlier about Tubbo being Dream’s brother, he smiled at Dream then waited for the pizza to come. Phil carried the plate over to Tommy with just plain pizza on, and then sat down next to him. As they ate a conversation was going on the whole time making Tommy feel somewhat left out, he couldn’t write stuff down whilst eating so just sat there listening.

Tommy tapped Phil gently on the shoulder and signed “ I’m full, I’m not used to eating this much, thank you.”

Wilbur recognised the sign for full and asked he could take Tommy’s left over pizza, Tommy just passed the plate over as a reply.

Techno and Dream disappeared of to the living room and watched a movie whilst Wilbur went of to his music room. That left just Phil and Tommy left at the table in the dinning room. The conversation that was always going to happen, but was still taken back by it. Phil tried to be as nice and as calm as possible but still wanted some answers. 

“Hey, I know you must go through many conversations like this where you have to open up. Wilbur and Techno were the same, they wouldn’t open up to their trauma until I had been fostering them for months, they still don’t always want to to talk and I never pressure anything but it’s easier to understand and help if you tell me earlier.” 

Tommy didn’t know how to act usually when adults wanted to talk they demanded answers and constantly nagged on about it. Phil was different maybe he didn’t have to be the “problem child” anymore. 

Tommy didn’t know where to start years of trauma built up inside him, never speaking about his problems yet he still had them, just lie, everyone else. The happiest people in the world still have problems and need help sometimes. Although he had only met Phil for a day he felt somewhat safe but not enough to answer the question. 

Instead he he typed out “ I don’t really like school, never have. Bullies, never staying at a home long enough to make friends.” It seemed like a reasonable excuse. Phil believed it and asked if he could hug the boy. Tommy was unsure but nodded slowly.

As he went back upstairs he wondered what life was like for Techno and Wilbur since Phil had mentioned about them both having trauma. He wouldn’t question it, he respected other’s boundaries. 

As he came to the top floor of the house, he heard a low hum of signing and a guitar playing in the background. Following the noise it led him to the music room where Wilbur was playing his guitar. The young boy stood there not wanting to interrupt the session. 

Wilbur heard a clap of hands and noticed Tommy in the doorway.

“Come on in, I won’t bite.” Will said calmly.

That led Tommy smiling listening to Wilbur playing his own original songs and clapping once the music would die out. He liked Wil. He liked this house yet it still wasn’t home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have TikTok and if you wanna follow me I draw and talk about mcyt it’s @i.myyyyy I try and post as much as I can there but then I also forget it exists to it’s all good. 
> 
> Also I went out and bought some ready meal lasagna from Waitrose I know, Waitrose I am know broke so that is fantastic, also it’s down the road less work for me since I can’t drive :). Then I had a cello lesson which was hella boring honestly the instrument only plays two notes in orchestra but hey oh well


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter cause I yeah no reasons pls follow my TikTok it’s i.myyyyy I draw and stuff. 
> 
> I sign using BSL therefore that is what the Tommy will use in this. Again this is an alternate universe :)

After a long eventful day, Tommy just flopped down on his bed. Dream had left a few hours ago, and the young boy was getting ready to go to sleep. Tommy turned on the bedside lamp and closed the door. He knew he was the only on awake and didn’t want to disturb anyone so quickly turned the lamp off and hurried to bed.

“Tom you know it is your fault we are dead!” 

“You shouldn’t have lived, it was all your fault” 

He was crying wanting the voices to stop, this nightmare to be over and wake up but no matter how much he tried he couldn’t wake up. The voices would stop. 

Make them stop.

STOP!

Phil heard Tommy screaming and quickly headed down the corridor, he opened the door to see a young boy with floods of tears streaming down his face hugging a teddy for dear life. 

He rushed over and hugged the boy whilst muttering calm words under his breathe. The young boy was coming back to reality and felt the warmth of Phil’s hug. He didn’t know what time it was but he felt guilty for waking him up. 

Nightmares weren’t a new thing for Tommy, they had plagued him since he was a young boy. He just wanted to be normal.

When morning finally came around, nobody mentioned what happened to the boy. It was a Sunday and it was just calm after the storm. 

“Dad is alright if I go meet up with Schlatt and Niki later?”

Phil nodded, and stated to make breakfast. 

“Hey kiddo what would you like for breakfast?”

Tommy glanced of at Techno and saw him eating pancakes so quickly pointed at what Techno was eating. Phil started to grab the ingredients and sat down next to Techno. Tommy didn’t know Techno very well at all, in fact all he knew was that he had a friend called Dream. The thing was Tommy thought he looked intimidating but didn’t really mention it. Techno then started to notice Tommy’s confusion on his face and quickly added, “ Hey kid, sorry I didn’t talk to you much yesterday. I hope your settling in well.” 

Tommy hated that everyone called him a kid so as a joke he signed “I’m not a kid, I’m a big man!” 

“Yeah and pigs can fly mate!”

Tommy giggled at the remark and thought that maybe Techno was alright. 

Phil was happy that his sons and Tommy were getting along, he was just hoping that there wouldn’t be a part two of the events of yesterday. As they finished having breakfast Wilbur headed out leaving the house to just the three of them.

Tommy got dressed and asked Phil if he could wander round the neighbourhood. Techno had to come too that didn’t concern the young blonde boy and they headed out.

It was really relaxed until, Techno asked a question that Tommy really hated.

“Why don’t you speak kid, you don’t have to answer but I was just wondering you know?” 

Tommy didn’t want to answer in fact he just wanted to run away but instead he kept on walking, this time a bit faster.

That’s when he saw the kid from the day before. He was talking to himself again, Tommy signed to Techno about the kid.

“That’s Tubbo great kid, Dream’s little brother, you can meet him if you want.”

Dream then came out and saw Tubbo near Techno and Tommy. He called them all over.

“Hi I’m Tubbo you probably already knew that didn’t you. I’m your age I think we’ll that’s what Dream was telling me. He also said you don’t speak which is cool, I tend to ramble I’m so sorry I’m rambling right now” Tubbo finally stopped to catch a breathe. 

The blonde boy liked the brown haired boy, he had a great smile and seemed to be able to talk a minute a mile. 

Tommy looked over to Tech then stated to sign “Nice to meet you” 

Once Tech had verbally spoken what Tommy had said it set Tubbo off into another ramble.

“I can tell we are going to be good friends, but there’s one problem I don’t know sign language I don’t really want our older brothers to have to hang around with us all the time just to translate. I know how about I learn sign language would you be able to teach me that would be pretty cool”

The fact the brown haired boy could talk enough to fill a conversation made Tommy happy, following them into Dream’s house. 

He sat Tubbo down and had a lad of paper, writing down some stuff he was ready to teach him sign language.

He started off with the alphabet, showing the vowels were all on your left hand and with your index finger you would point to them. A being your thumb and finally U being your pinky finger. Tubbo got the hang of it after a lot of practice, turns out him being dyslexic meant that he struggled to spell out the words. But that didn’t stop him. After signing his name with finger spelling he smiled. 

Tommy was smiling the whole time, it felt nice to be around someone he’s age without the feeling they were going to steal his school work or punch him. Tommy and Tubbo were going to the same school, they were just hoping they would be in the same class. 

“Tommy, Dads wondering where we are, we better go home okay!” 

Tommy waved goodbye to Tubbo and went back home with Techno.

As they wondered up the driveway and opened the door, Tommy felt at home.

“Hey guys Wils up stairs with Schlatt, don’t disturb them. Also there is some snacks on the counter if you want any. Not sure how much is left since the other two got to them but hey, eat them whilst you can. Phil said.

Tommy walked over to Phil and explained how Tubbo was learning sign language and telling him fun facts about bees. Phil was so glad that the young boy was coming out of his shell and it had only been two days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I am English and use BSL or British sign language, the signing will of course be in BSL, the signs are different to ASL however that doesn’t mean I’m wrong. 
> 
> Comments are great please tell me if your enjoying it, or leave me suggestions cause I’m a sleep deprived human being :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions and references to self harm
> 
> Sorry about spelling mistakes and stuff, I’m dyslexic so forgive that.

Monday, many people say it’s the worse day of the week. Tommy couldn’t agree more with that statement. Phil was making the boys get everything ready, for school. Phil also had also emailing Tommy’s new school back and forth about the boy being selectively mute, and also GCSEs. The boy was 16 meaning he was in year 11. That meant to years with of course work would lead up to exams from May to end of June. He didn’t want to have the conversation with the boy but knew it was bound to happen.

Time was a weird thing, it could either move super fast. Or move slowly just ticking, away passing the seconds. Time is a tricky thing, it is the constant. 

Constant, an occurring continuously over a period of time yet it never says forever. Why not forever. Because time is forever. Isn’t it.

Tommy only knew that time could never be stopped and if he could that night never would have happened. Would tommy describe himself as unlucky, no he would describe himself as a victim of the world. A world were if you are rich you had power, yet if were nothing you were at mercy to what ever forces were out against you. Tommy had always been powerless at the hands of the rich.

The night when his life changed times moved so slowly, every little detail. Then it sped up and happened very fast. The airbags coming up of the wheel yet not doing enough to save his parents. 

Time was a tricky thing. Nobody had control of time. And as much as Tommy wished Monday wouldn’t come he knew it would. 

“Tommy come down please, your not in trouble.” 

Tommy came wondering down the stairs and headed over to where Phil was standing. 

“Hey kiddo, I’m sorry to ask about this but we need to talk about school and the situation you are currently. Since you move around a lot in the past your schooling has been effected. This means that for GCSE you are currently behind. You have a choice, either resit year 10, or you can do year 11 but lots of extra work.”

Extra worked sounded hard but he also wanted to be with Tubbo. He had no course work from these years. He never cared for doing school work however he was now regretting his choices. 

He was taking triple science, maths,English language, English literature, history and sport science. 

He didn’t like any of the subjects, everything was effort and after constantly moving around being kicked out of homes meant he never truly got to appreciate things like subjects. 

He wasn’t sure what he wanted but at the same time wanted to be with Tubbo. He had never actually had someone to talk to around his age that didn’t want to steal something or eat his food. 

The conversation was going back and forth until they decided it would be the right idea for Tommy to resit year 10. Which sucked but Phil only wanted what was best for the boy.

The box was staring at the boy again, just a little black box. Whose content was unknown to the outside world but why was it out of his backpack. He definitely put it back at the bottom of the bag so why was it out. 

Thoughts were running fast, what happened did someone know his secret. He thought he was doing a good job of keeping it to himself. Wearing long sleeves barely rubbing his wrist like he used to not wanting to bring attention to his wrist. 

Spiralling out of his control, his thoughts becoming erratic. Thoughts weren’t meant to be dangerous they were supposed to be your own. Yet Tommy’s thoughts were untameable like a wild lion. His breathing became faster until he didn’t know what to do.

Phil was downstairs, Wilbur was with Schlatt, he didn’t know where Techno was. Nobody was there to help him. God he was alone. The thoughts of being locked up in his room after he would cause a problem back at a home were flooding back to him.

Panic.

It’s a natural response to an uncertain situation. A thing we can’t control.

If you were asked the definition of panic you would probably look it up and see this answer, “ sudden uncontrollable fear or anxiety, often causing wildly unthinking behaviour”. I’m highlighting the unthinking behaviour here, because Tommy yelled out for Phil.

“Phil” another sharp breathe, “Phil”. Nobody was coming to help, they led you into a false sense of security and when you need them the most they are gone. How had Tommy been so naive, he was on the floor struggling grasp a sense of reality. The spiral was so far down there was no helping the poor boy.

Phil heard the call for help. He was confused at first but then was worried. This was the first time Tommy had said anything. It was clearly important. 

Techno had also heard the call and was rushing up the stairs to meet the young panicked boy. As they both got to the bedroom, they saw not Tommy but a small scared boy. He was unrecognisable just a shell of the boy they had met. 

“Hey, Tommy I’m going to pick you up and put you on the bed okay.” Techno spoke quietly.

The young boy was light and was easily carried onto the bed. He recognised the monotone voice and seemed to relax a little. But the thoughts were still there causing havoc, he wanted them to go. To stop.

Why can’t they stop.

Phil just hugged the boy, rocking him gently back and forth. 

After about half an hour, the boy was coming back from this state between dream and reality. He wouldn’t really call it a dream but more of a nightmare.

Do you know about sleep paralysis, it’s were your mind wakes up before your body. It a very scary experience, that’s how Tommy felt in those slow moving minutes.

“Tommy, are you with us now?”

Looking into Phil’s eyes showing that he was back but not really making conversation.

He had spoken. Sometimes Tommy would forget what his voice sounds like. It was dry and croaky from misuse. 

Phil carried the boy onto the sofa down in the living room and brought him a bowl of popcorn he had made earlier. 

“Tommy, we need to talk about this. I know you don’t want to but it’s for the best. Trauma is hard to deal with but if I don’t know what going on then I can’t help. I as your father I want to support you.”

Phil immediately released what he had just said but carried on with the conversation. 

“You can write it down if you want?”

He handed over a note pad and a pen, Tommy didn’t know what he was going to write. 

“Somebody went into my room into the red backpack the one I said no one can touch, I thought it was safe here and wasn’t going to be messed around with yet all homes are the same. You just want to feel like a superhero saving a child from the evil of the foster system. Well forget it, I trusted you so much and what did someone do. The one rule I had the ONE. And it was broken.”

Phil read the note the young boy had written he felt sorry and wanted to get the bottom of the situation. 

“Techno, Wil come down near right now” Phil yelled causing Tommy to flinch.

“Schlatt is here dad, I will talk later!” Wilbur replied

“No young man come down here right now!” Phil’s voice stern.

“No, Schlatt is here just wait a bit dad what’s got you in a fret?”

“Young man if I have to call you down here one more time, I’m locking the music room for a week.”

Phil heard something fall over and Wilbur come running down the stairs. 

“Which one of you went into to Tommy’s backpack the one I explained to you, that you shouldn’t.”

Techno made a quick glance at Wil and his twin doing the same both of them had a confused look on their face. Until Wil spoke up.

“Fine, Schlatt and I went into Tommy’s room as a joke, that’s when we found the backpack. I told Schlatt not to go in it but he pulled out a little black box from the bottom. As Schlatt opened the box it contained razor blades and sharpener blades. Dad he’s hurting himself, that’s why he always wears long sleeves.”

Phil looked over to Tommy pulling him into a hug, dismissing the twins from the room.

“I’m not annoyed okay, just concerned. I see you as my son already after two days. I don’t want you to feel like this at all. We will book to see a therapist, and talk about these problems.”

Tommy nodded he wasn’t sure what he felt anymore. He feels empty all his energy was drained after the panic attack earlier. He wanted to fight the statement but instead just fell into the adults arm.

Phil was worried about the situation, he had never been in a situation like this and as Tommy fell asleep in his arms, he carried the boy up to the bedroom and took the back box from the room.

Phil knew he had to call Clara, the boy was clearly going through a lot. He wasn’t sure of the situation and didn’t want to pry into the boys personal life to start with wanting the boy to open up to him. He felt like that would never happen at this rate. 

He was not angry at Wilbur but at the same time he was, disrespecting Tommy’s rules, however it did lead to the truth. This boy was 16 he was just a child and had clearly fought so many wars and battles. The foster system was clearly floored, nobody picking up on the boys panic attacks or his self harm. Phil was just disappointed with the world.

The phone call to Clara had been brief, he told the social worker everything from his panic attack, resitting year 10 and finally the most concerning the self harm.

Phil was tired as he sat with his coffee in his hand listening to Clara chat away. Would the boy be taken away from Phil, was he not a suitable care giver for the child. Clara answered all of Phil’s worries. The boy was his and it was going to stay that way.

School was on Monday, that made Phil stress some more but he really just needed to sleep. 

Tommy on the other hand didn’t want to close his eyes, losing control of his mind was a scary thing and sleep was the hardest to hold on to. Tomorrow was school that would be hell, then the young blonde turned into the conversation that Phil was having. It was to Clara.

No.

He was going to be shipped back of to another group home, he was liking it here apart from Wilbur, he was not so sure about the boy anymore. Then there was Tubbo, he promised the boy he would teach him sign language. Phil was going to send him away. Not again.

People make irrational decisions sometimes, Tommy was going to make two in a day. The first one being that he had actually talked, that he has spoken something for the first time in years. The other was running away.

In the system these were known as flight risks, he had never been one but now he was. Shoving everything into his red back pack he climbed out of the window and ran.

Gone only had £40 on him that wasn’t going to get him far so instead he just sat down at a park bench about a 20 minute walk from the house. 

That’s when he met somebody. A girl around Wilbur’s age, she sat down at the other end of the bench and smiled over at Tommy. 

“Hey, I’m not really one to talk but isn’t it a bit late for you to be out here alone” her voice was calm and soft.

“I’m Niki, do you need a ride home or are you waiting for one?”

Tommy pulled out his phone that was 20% and typed out his reply handing the phone over to her. It read, “I’m mute sorry about not answering I’m not ignoring you, I’m fine I just want to be alone for a while, it’s nice just to think and be in the fresh air you know?”

She smiled at the comment and replied “Wil does this a lot, he’s a bit stressed at the moment, Phil’s fostering a new kid whose mute, just like you. Him and Schlatt did something he wasn’t supposed to do. They went through the boys personal stuff and found a box full of stuff used for self harm. Wil didn’t know what to do so he called me about it, I said to be truthful and tell Phil everything but he wouldn’t listen.”

Tommy didn’t know Wil had cared so much and then typed out, “This Wil sounds like a good person, must be stressful at the moment”

“Definitely, it’s always just been Tech and Wil, that’s changed however now it’s Phil worrying about the new child constantly. I think Wil just wants it to be just Tech and Wil again. Phil helped Wil through so much after years of built up trauma from living on the streets. God why am I telling you any of this?”

“Cause I’m the best, no it’s good to talk about emotions. Not like I do it, it was nice to meet you Niki I need to head back home now.” The note read.

“Need a lift?”

With a shake of his head Tommy wandered back the way he came back onto the este where the house was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How is everyone today? I’m doing okay online school sucks but hey we move. 
> 
> Please leave a comment I love hearing what you think. Anyway that’s all I have to say so bye :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyy I wrote this in a biology class so it’s probably not the best :) I’m sorry if grammar and stuff is wrong I’m lazy
> 
> Please leave a comment I love hearing from everyone

As Tommy climbed back up through his window back to the comfort of his room. Wilbur was sat on the end of the bed. Tommy was probably in trouble again. Sunday nights couldn’t get anymore eventful then they already were. 

“It’s alright I won’t say anything, I used to do it to kiddo.” Wilbur continued to speak, “I’m sorry about today, I did something I shouldn’t have done and I feel guilty about that. However now it’s for the best. I know you must feel hopeless and alone. I know what that’s like too. Me and Tech aren’t actually twins you know.”

Tommy face was surprised after taking everything he had just said in. 

“We were both fostered, at different group homes. I did a runner, was in and of homeless until I met him. He brought me back to his foster home, and from there we stuck together until we were adopted by Phil.”

“He isn’t doing this because he has a superhero complex, he is doing it because he loves you. You have been through so much and grown up so fast just be a kid for once and allow him to take care of you.”

Tommy didn’t really know how to react, instead he hugged Wilbur and was left on his own until morning.

It was a school day and those sucked. He was going to be resitting a year and he wasn’t going to have Tubbo. He meant to ask what his number was but the young boy had forgotten and would ask later.

The morning was very hectic, with the alarm not going off to Techno not being able to find some course work he needed. It was all a little much, so Tommy let his mind wonder off into his own head and just thought as chaos erupted. 

It had been three days since he had gotten to the family home. The experience was different to anything the blonde had before. He had felt loved at the home but at the same time betrayed, his biggest darkest secret was out and there was no going back.

They pulled up to the secondary school, and was dropped off out the front. He walked to the reception with Wilbur and Techno. The school was like any other secondary school in the Uk. The same beat up ceiling with missing tiles and the same anti bullying posters.

Tommy had experiences being the new kid constantly moving. Ever really staying in a place long enough to settle and make friends. Maybe this time was different. 

The new kid headed of to his form classroom as directed to by a member of staff. As he entered the classroom it had the desks with the blue chairs underneath and loud obnoxious children screaming. 

“Thomas this is your form room, your tutor will bring your timetable later in registration. You can just chill in here with your form or go outside onto the playground. Registration starts at 8:40 and first period at 9.”

Tommy nodded to indicate that he understood and was then left in the room on his own.

Tommy looked around the class room making sure not to make eye contact with anyone. He just wanted to find Tubbo and that was it.

He didn’t know where his friend would be, he was in the year above so probably none of these class mates would know either. Instead he sat down and listened to the conversation some boys were having.

“ I’m Ranboo, and this is Quackity who goes by Big Q. He’s technically in the year above but he is resitting year 10.”

Tommy wasn’t sure what to do he was frozen. Social situations weren’t something Tommy liked to get involved in, his anxiety was rising extremely fast. 

“Oh your shy I get it, can we at least know your name?”

Tommy grabbed a piece of paper out of his backpack and scribbled down his name and handed it to the two boys.

“Well nice to meet you Tommy, I’m from Mexico, so technically I didn’t have to resit year 10 because I never sat it. Your school system starts earlier then ours so that’s why Ranboo is just talking a load of nonsense.” Quackity said to make conversation 

Tommy smiled yet still not making any eye contact. He just wanted Tubbo, he would know what he wanted to say. 

“Hey do you wanna come with us we are going to visit someone in the year above?”Ranboo questioned

Following behind the two boys answered the question as they headed to the other side of the school. That’s when he saw Tubbo. The other boys new him as well and that was who they were visiting.

“You’ve met Tommy, that’s cool. How are you Tommy? I thought you were in year 11, why are you hanging out with the year bellow?”

Tommy looked over to Tubbo, the boy knew he understood basic finger spelling and started to spell out “resitting”. Tubbo nodded in understanding.

“Wait your deaf?” The taller boy questioned

“No he’s mute, he uses sign language to talk. Or he writes stuff down in a piece of paper. His older brothers know sign language so if you see him hanging round with sixth formers that’s why.”

The two boys nodded and headed back to class with Tommy trailing behind.

“Wait so you can’t talk at all that must suck, imagine not speaking the world would never be blessed by my charisma and charm”

“Shut it Big Q, Tommy probably doesn’t want to listen to your annoying voice, so why are you setting year 10?” Ranboo queried.

Tommy grabbed a piece of paper and stated to answer both of the boys. “ I’m selectively mute, I can talk but I technically choose not to. But I feel really overwhelmed in situations where I talk and I feel frozen it’s kind of hard to explain. Signing is easier but I still get the same sense of fear that I do when I’m talking but a little less.”

“I have been in the foster system for 6 years, I moved homes a lot messing I never really got the education that I needed. If I was in hear 11 I would be very behind and probably have no clue what’s going on.”

Both of the boys nodded at the response and were content with the answers given.

It was registration time and the form tutor walked in. Tommy was called over to the front and was handed a timetable and a homework diary. He had leant the teachers name was Mr Halo and he seemed a pretty chill person. 

As they went down the register it got to Tommy he was at the end.

“Thomas Ward”

He just made eye contact with Mr Halo and nodded. He hated the use of his full name, Ward was given to him by the government to show he never had any power against the system. He was owned by the government, he would never have a family. It was a mocking thing to him. One day he would disregard the name and break free from it but at the moment he was just being pulled down further and further by it.

9 came pretty quick and they headed of to English which was his first lesson. He hated English from what he remembered, analysing poems and text just was his idea of fun. He sat down next to Ranboo and as the class were given their copies of the book ‘Of Mice and Men’. The teacher headed over.

“It says here that you are selectively mute, is that right?” The teacher asked

Tommy gave the answer by nodding his head. 

“That’s alright, my name is Ms Puffy I’ll be your English teacher over this two year course. Feel free to ask questions by writing it down or if you ever feel comfortable you can feel free to talk.”

Tommy knew he probably wouldn’t talk but smiled at the English teacher. 

The lesson was 60 minutes long, it didn’t really move fast or slow. They went through the GCSE specifications for English then started on reading the book. When it got to Tommy storm to read a page from the chapter he was skipped over, he didn’t mind English maybe it wasn’t so bad.

Second period was History, that lesson moved very slowly because he had pretty much already done this all before. The first topic was WWII and Nazi Germany. He didn’t really think to much that lessson and as the bell went to finally indicate break, he followed Ranboo and Quackity to find Tubbo.

That’s when he saw Techno hanging out with Dream and two other guys. Techno quickly waved him over and asked how his day had been so far.

Techno knew more sign then Wil so he started to sign, “ It’s been okay, had English and History. But boring but it was school.”

The two other boys seemed confused at Tommy’s signing but Dream was not as he had seen him sign previously.

“You know Dream and Techno?” Ranboo asked 

Tommy got at a Niobe lad and handed him some paper. 

“Yeah, Techno is Phil’s son, and since I am being fostered by him, I would I hope I knew Techno, why?”

“They are like the most popular people at school, everyone knows who the dream team is and Technoblade.”

“Technoblade, that’s stupid where did he get that time from?”

“It’s sort of a joke from when he fought in the school gym, Technoblade never dies.”

Like that the conversation was over.

The day wasn’t too bad it could be worse. School was taking it mid of the inevitable conversation with Phil. He was getting along with Ranboo and Quackity. Big Q talked enough to fill the conversation and as the final bell went Tommy pulled his phone out of his blazer pocket.

Quickly texting Wil, to see where they were being picked up from. Will messaged back and they met up and walked over to Phil’s car. 

“You had a good day little man.”

Tommy nodded in response, kind of tired after a long day.

They headed back home and he was bombarded with questions from Phil,at least they cared right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow a public school actually being good that is unrealistic but hey oh well. My school legit had no chairs in some classrooms but hey we move :) British secondary schools. Radnor fizzes though bang that one good thing


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is really short, I had a audiology appointment. So I when I usually write I was at an appointment. Tomorrow’s will be longer I hope :)

After a long day at school, tommy wasn’t sure if he should be glad or not to be at Phil’s house. The boy struggles throughout the day with communication but he was finally with people who he was some what comfortable with.

As everyone headed their own way, Phil called the boy over. 

“I know that you really don’t want to talk about this Tommy but we have to. When I was in the phone with Clara, we brainstormed some ways to help okay mate.”

Tommy nodded, the conversation was always going to happen. He want sure what was going to happen. Tommy was some what glad it was sooner rather then later, but at the same time he wanted it to become his secret again. 

“Can you tell me about your history with self harm please, I’m only asking so I can help you. I’m not going to push to much, but it’s either talk to me or a therapist kiddo.” 

The statement made Tommy cringe, he didn’t like to talk about his problems. The were always his own problem. Nobody should have to worry about this problem. 

The blonde boy was unsure on how to answer, his private life was never spoken about.

Tommy just started to sign, not really sure where to start. 

The sign for mother and father made him some what upset. 

“When I lived with my mum and dad, I used to speak. I was happy. Then on the night of my birthday, we went out. We had a similar car to what you had. This is why I had the panic attack on the first day. I caused my parents death”

“Tom, you definitely didn’t, no matter how much you blame yourself I’m sure that it wasn’t your fault” 

“No it was me, I was taking asking them to change the radio station. I was nagging at them. If I had kept my mouth shut, then they wouldn’t be dead” Tommy kept signing.

“This is why your mute right?”

“Yeah, I feel guilty. All of these years it was my own voice that killed my parents.”

“When did the self harm start?”

“When I was about 13, I just didn’t want to exist anymore you know, sometimes the pain gets so much and you just want it to stop. Phil why won’t it stop. Sometimes you get so used to the pain, you don’t even know what the pain feels like. It becomes part of you, and when you finally get rid of it it immediately it comes back, and the cycle is endless and constantly repeats it self, over and over and I want it to stop. How can I make it stop, I can’t and it just gets worse and worse and worse to a point what I forget what it’s like to be in pain and to be hurt because it’s just me. It’s who I am and I don’t know anymore if I’m nothing more than a load of feelings all looked away, hurt by everyone and everything. Nobody seems to be there for me and it just hurts, you know.” 

Tommy had been signing for what feels like forever, he just wanted it cry. Phil was hugging him, trying to comfort the young boy.

“Can I see your wrists?”

The comment made Tommy wince. Reluctantly he rolled up his long sleeve, showing the red angry lines covering his wrist. He wasn’t proud of them, they plagued him. Yet why did it make him feel better about himself sometimes. It was weird, at first when he cut for the first time, but it made him feel better. It was his punishment for killing his parents, right?

Phil knew the kid had been through a lot, but hadn’t bargained that years of trauma would come spilling out of the child’s mouth. 

Phil remembers when he first started foster Techno and Wil, they were both the same age. They had met in the foster system, both of them were traumatised when he first met. They wouldn’t leave each other side.

Tommy was different, never truly having anyone to rely on. Phil was the first to care for the boy in a long while. 

The evening was quiet after the conversation with the boys off in their own room . 

Tommy heard a knock at the door.

“Hey can I come in?” The voice was quite soft and the boy recognised it to be Wilbur.

“Wait that was dumb if me to ask, you can’t speak. God I’m really screwing up today. I’m sorry.”

Tommy laughed and opened the door welcoming him into his room. It was still the plain white it was when he arrived, not having the chance to paint it the blue grey colour he had chosen. 

“I’m still sorry about what happened. I know you must hate me a lot but I did it for the better.”

Tommy knew Wilbur meant well, and couldn’t stay angry at him. It wasn’t the end of the world. 

“It’s fine” the message said on Wil’s phone. 

Wil smiled at the comment.

“How was your day at school, I saw you hanging around with Ranboo and Quackity.”

“Yeah, they seemed nice.”

An then a notification came from Tubbo in Tommy’s phone appeared. 

Tubbo: heyyy how are you

Tommy: I’m good how was your day

Tubbo: not to bad. Wait dream is calling me, I’ll talk later bye

The conversation was short but it some how made Tommy a little happier.

Tommy, was lying down on his bed staring up at the ceiling. He wanted to cry yet he felt so tired. This day was so exhausting.

Sometimes Tommy liked silence, it was something he enjoyed. Yet today he didn’t want silence, he wanted Wilbur’s music to fill his ears and some how wanted to hear Techno’s monotone voice. If you were to ask Tommy a month ago if he liked silence, it would have been an obvious answer yet here he was now confused and a little overwhelmed. 

Silence can be deafening, sounds are overwhelming yet so can silence. It’s strange. Tommy wanted the silence to stop. 

Make it stop.

Stop.

The silence was broken by Phil, calling out that dinner was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> British sign language had different sentence structures but I wrote this in proper English. Anyway leave a comment I love hearing what you think. Again sorry this is shorter I had an audiology appointment :)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: references to self harm and suicidal thoughts in this chapter 
> 
> I’m sorry about his, I felt bad writing it it will get happier. God I dropped a bomb on you guys I’m sorry

They sat at the dinner as family. With regular conversations like how everyone’s day was. Tommy still wasn’t sure what Phil did for his job, it never came up in the conversation. The boy could tell it was a well paying job but nothing to extraordinary. After dinner, Tommy wandered round the house. 

He saw a picture of a women on the ledge of a window in the study. “Her name was Kristin, she would have loved you. She passed about five years ago. We all feel guilty with loss, you may feel like your struggling alone but there are people out there who will help you. I may not understand what it feels like to lose your parents and blame yourself for 6 years however I know what it feels like with loss.” Phil said softly

“Why, did you want to foster me?” Tommy signed

“I was planning on fostering a young child, who had just lots there parents. Then I got a call from Clara that the child was going to be evaluated by another family who couldn’t have children. I felt annoyed at first until Clara told me about you. When she mentioned everything you had been through at such a young age I knew that I would gladly open my house to you. You may not know it yet but you will be my son, I already view you as one.”

Tommy just started to cry, not sad tears but happy tears. All of these years Tommy never had anyone, always hopping around homes, never truly belonging. Maybe this was his chance. 

Climbing up the stairs of the house leading to the bedroom, he flopped down onto the bed and just thought. Maybe he wasn’t so worthless after all. Happiness, it’s something we all strive for, to gain true happiness may be found through family or friends. Others may say religion.

Tommy was feeling the happiest he had ever been for the first time in 6 years. He wished he could have stayed in the state of happiness. Lots of stories have meanings and something to take away, others just stay present. We can’t get attached to physical things because of impermanence, nothing lasts forever. We live and then we die, it’s an endless cycle.

Many people try to break the cycle yet are never successful. Maybe there is a life after death, nobody is to sure. All we can be sure is nothing is truly permanent. So why did this feeling of happiness stay with Tommy, in this moment. Remember what was said about attachment leads to suffering, that impermanence was the only thing to be certain of. Tommy’s happiness couldn’t last forever.

“You know what, I hate it. I hate you, all you ever do is mess things up and I don’t understand why Phil ever took you in. You are an ungrateful little kid. You have said nothing to us, never a thank you when me and Tech, accept you to be our brother. When I spent hours trying to learn sign language. What in your thick skull can’t understand. We don’t want you. God you are the biggest mistake ever.” Wilbur shouted

The feeling of happiness only lasted Tommy 10 minutes. Maybe it was a record he wasn’t so sure. What had he done, he couldn’t think of anything. All he had done was go to school, stay with Ranboo and Big Q all day.

“Niki, that’s what you have done. The day you ran away you spoke to Niki, one of my friends, you let her spill my private story to you. It wasn’t her story to tell, you should have stopped her. God I hate you!”

Tommy didn’t know what was happening, he thought he was getting along well with Wilbur. Niki never really got into detail, how did he find out. Tommy had never told Niki that he was Wilbur’s foster brother so how was this all spilling out and how was it his fault.

“You took advantage of her, she is too kind and what did you do, let her tell you everything. I only found out because Schlatt saw you and her at the park. Your such an idiot thinking you could get away with it. You know what I’m not sorry I went through your room, you deserved it!” With that the conversation was over with Wil storming out of the now crying boys bedroom.

Sometimes the body acts before the mind can catch up, we have an instinct when we are in danger. Fight, flight of freeze. And at that point the boy clearly felt in danger and just ran. He didn’t have anything on him. The cold British weather was harsh against his skin, but he kept on running.

“I heard what you said, he didn’t deserve that, it wasn’t Niki’s place to say but how was he going to stop her. You need to go apologise to the kid.” Techno said quite angrily different from his monotone voice

“No he deserves everything I said, that little idiot ruined everything, my past is my past and it’s going to stay that way. I wanted to be a good brother Tech, why did I do that. I bet all he sees me as now is a homeless crazy man.” Wilbur replied

“No he doesn’t, he’s been in the system for a long time I’m sure he knows what it is like, just go back upstairs now and apologise before Phil gets back from Tesco and he’ll gets let lose.”

“Yeah, your probably right.”

Some people say running is good for the mind, but in Tommy’s case he knew it was probably the wrong decision. He had panicked yet again and chosen to do something irrational. He wasn’t sure if he should keep running or turn back.

“I hate you”

“We don’t want you”

Wilbur’s voice was circling around his head, he was right. God Wilbur right. Why did he have to be a mess up. He thought maybe for once he was excepted how wrong he was. He was standing on a bridge. He was standing on a bridge. That thought was only recognised by Tommy as he stopped running. Why and he stopped running.

“Hey Tommy, I’m sorry I shouted at you can you open the door and let me in?” There was no response from Tommy, so Wilbur pushed open the door to see the room empty and the window wide open. What had he done. Tommy was gone.

“Techno, Tommy is gone, like window open and no kid inside.” The footsteps of Techno running up the stairs, came to a stop as he saw a crying Wilbur on the floor. Techno wasn’t sure what to do, he had a missing brother and now a panicking brother.

“Wilbur I’m phoning Phil, please calm down.” Techno said quickly

“Hey mate” the voice over the phone said

“Phil we have a problem. Tommy has done a runner and Wilbur is in the middle of a panic attack I don’t know what to do.” Techno said somewhat crying.

“Okay, no need to worry, calm Wil down then we will come together to find Tommy”

Phil quickly hung up and raced to his car to get home.

Tommy was still on the bridge. Why was he on the bridge. Sometimes he wandered what dying was like, maybe it was peaceful. Why did he let his guard down so quickly it was always going to happen. The walls come down to be immediately abused again. This is why he never trusted anyone, he was such a mistake. Mistakes can be changed, erased almost. Maybe he wouldn’t be such a problem if he wasn’t there anymore.

Stop it.

Stop.

Make it stop.

Why wouldn’t it stop. He was standing on a bridge at 8pm on a cold winters night. He had no coat and was feeling the effects quite quickly. His breathe was visible and it was becoming harder to breathe as the time went past.

“Hey kid, why don’t we step down from there.” A voice said Tommy hadn’t realised he was standing on the edge.

Why was he in the edge.

“Listen kid, I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but I can tell that there are people out there who care about you and are probably looking for you round about now.”

The edge.

Edge. Jump.

No, why would he jump. He had never had tonight’s like this before. He felt a strong hand on his back, and turned to face the person.

“Kiddo, I know you must be thinking there is no other options but there are.” The vice was soft and becoming louder as it came closer.

“Please step down” Tommy did so and was back on the pavement of the bridge. He just wanted to curl in a ball and cry. Why was the world all against him. Wilbur was right. Wasn’t he? 

“My name is Karl, what’s yours?” As he rested a hand in Tommy’s shoulder Tommy wasn’t sure in how to answer, he couldn’t talk and didn’t have his phone to type a message out.

“It’s okay, trust me. Do you need a phone to contact your family?” Tommy shock his head. He wasn’t sure where he was and just wanted to sit down.

“Hey kid I’ve got a coat in my car, how about you come with me.” Karl looked around 19 at the oldest, Tommy didn’t have any energy to fight him and followed him to the car.

Whilst at the Watson family home, everyone was frantically wondering where Tommy could be. “I’m calling Sapnap, George and Dream, to help us come find Tommy.” Techno said

“Same I’ll get Schlatt to come help us.” Wilbur also out in the conversation “He can’t of got too far, let’s get going.” Dream picked up George and Sapnap up and then came and joined the search.

“Hey, wait Karl is calling me.” Sapnap said

“What is it Karl we are kind of busy right now.” Sapnap snapped

“I may have just found a young blonde kid, standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump.”

“What does the kid look like?” Sapnap questioned wondering if it could be Tommy

“He is blonde very tall for his age, wearing a red and white t-shirt in the freezing weather.” Sapnap relayed the conversation and came to the conclusion it was in fact Tommy.

“Stay with the kid, that’s Tommy, Techno’s foster brother. He’s mute give him some paper or something try and keep him calm.”

Sapnap told the group and they all relaxed just a little. Phil was not feeling okay, a kid in his care almost jumped on a bridge. Panic came over him. He would have to tell Clara, the kid would be taken away, Tommy was ready such a big part of his home and family. How did this happen? Wilbur just felt guilty, it was his fault this all happened. He overreacted to this so much. He almost drove a kid to jump.

“Tommy right?” Tommy nodded.

“Your family is coming, don’t worry. I’m sorry that you thought this would be for the best. Phil is coming now okay, no need to worry anymore.”

Why were they coming they didn’t care. They didn’t care. Yet they were coming to get him late in a Monday night. Phil’s car pulled up and so did Dream’s. Everyone got out rushing towards the still crying boy. Tommy hated how he caused so many problems, why couldn’t he just be at peace. Was it so much to ask. Phil pulled Tommy into a hug, not wanting to let go. He wasn’t sure what had caused Tommy to act out, but it didn’t matter Tommy was safe.

Phil felt horrible, this was probably his last time with Tommy. Clara would probably have to pick the boy up tomorrow.Phil didn’t want the boy to go. He saw him as a son. When they got home, Techno sat with Tommy, as he went back to his room. Phil pulled up Clara’s number and started the dreaded phone call. He wasn’t sure what to do in the situation.

“Hey it’s Clara speaking who may I help you?” The voice was clear out of the speaker

“It’s Phil, we have a problem.”

“Oh no what’s he done this time, he is such a problem child. I’m so sorry I can pick him up as soon as possible.”

Phil hated how she assumed it was Tommy’s fault but moved on.

“Tommy tried to jump of a bridge tonight,I’m not sure it was preplanned but he still was willing to do it. He ran away and headed to a bridge. Clara what am I supposed to do. I wanted to be a good parental figure, I wanted him to be my son.”

Those words shocked Clara, sure Tommy was irrational however he wouldn’t never act out as bad as this.

“Phil, I’m sure you know that fostering is meant to keep a child safe, I’m sure you do love him as a son, however it’s just not possible at the moment. He will be booked into a psych ward and probably will stay there. Cahms will help him I promised, after he is done there maybe we can’t talk about what will happen afterwards.”

Phil knew that answer was going to come. Yet it was such a big blow, he couldn’t lose Tommy. He had a connection to him, why did this have to happen. He knows it’s not Tommy’s fault.

“Clara, can I ask you something. If Tommy recovers will I still be applicable to adopt him?”

“I’m sure we could sort something else. Please make sure he is safe until I can pick him up tomorrow. Don’t let him go in to school tomorrow, I’ll be at yours around lunch time.”

There is a common saying, some might know it others might not. “It was never meant to be”. This can refer to many things. Yet at this moment it links to the fact Tommy couldn’t be Phil’s son.

The grey blue paint sat in the Homebase bag by the door. Phil never got a chance to paint Tommy’s room. He didn’t have the chance to gain the boys trust. Why can’t happiness be permanent. 

In Buddhism one of the ways to enlightenment you must not have attachments because in the end it leads to suffering. It is reaching that if you aren’t attached it is easier to let go of things you love. Phil loved Tommy and no was losing him, letting go is hard, but he wasn’t losing him for ever right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry about this chapter God, I felt bad writing it but I do have my reasons. Also I finally got my hearing aids fixed just thought I would let everyone know
> 
> Also I know how bad camhs is don’t worry guys


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts and self harm 
> 
> Hi, psych wards are different experiences for everyone. If you had a different experience to this please don’t get annoyed at me. My experience was quite good however it wasnt perfect. Since this is my fanfic I’m going to write it how I feel the story needs. 
> 
> Again everyone has different experiences and that doesn’t make your untrue. I have based these of mine. Different psych wards allow stent items mine allowed my phone but others don’t. This is written of my own experience

Emotions are tricky things to grasp the concept of. We all have them, some are better at hiding them than others. But why are our emotions always out downfall. Attachment and caring for someone always leads to a bad ending. In story’s they always use the love interest against the person they are fighting. Why? It’s simple we form attachment to these people and then our emotions get the better of us, we start to think irrationally not realising our actions have consequences. 

Tommy didn’t think that night. As he stood in the cold on top of a bridge in the middle of the new city he was in. 

Wilbur felt so guilty, why did he react so badly. His emotions got the better of him. Wilbur had never been good with emotions after years being spent on the street. Techno was the closet family he ever had. 

He was never proud of the time he spent on the streets. Choosing to do a runner from the group home because of some stupid mistakes. 

Lots people in the system have different copying mechanisms. Wilbur’s wasn’t good at all, he was drunk almost every night picking up the bad habits of his parents.

Being drunk was weird, it helped you forget all the bad things yet at the same time caused you more pain then you were previously in. Wilbur want proud to say that he was bacon out drunk almost every night. He never brings it up in conversation, it is locked in the deepest part of his brain. 

Few people knew about Wilburs habits, with Niki, Schlatt and Phil being a few of them.

Why would Niki say his darkest secrets to Tommy, and how would Schlatt have heard the conversation without Niki noticing. When we come to realisations the cogs in our brains start turning fats and everything seems to fall in place. 

Why hadn’t Wilbur done the logical of asking Niki about the conversation instead of jumping to conclusions. Niki would never say anything like that. God why was he so stupid.

Actions have consequences, some bigger than others. Like if you were to say a nice comment you make someone’s day brighter, however when your angry your senses of judgement is clouded. Wilbur forgetting how much words can hurt people said stuff he would probably regret for the rest of his life. 

After a phone call with Niki, the events of the night were clear. Tommy hadn’t even told Niki he was living wi to Wil.

Regret. We all experience it. But what is it really?

You might regret not doing your homework or wishing your life away. But if you have felt regret you know the feeling and how it eats you up from the inside. The whole Watson family home was experiencing this in different ways.

Phil regrets not being able to support Tommy more.

Tommy regrets his actions the night in the bridge.

Techno regrets letting his brother feel this way.

Wilbur regrets everything he said.

Tuesday was meant to be a better day for Tommy. He was somewhat making friends, he was going to be able to see Tubbo again. 

Wilbur just wanted to grab a bottle of any alcohol and drown his worries a way. To be able to feel nothing and be some what at peace from his mistakes, instead he sat by Phil crying. 

Techno and Wil went to school. The house was quite. Tommy missed the quite of before. It’s like silence after a storm.

The storm and been and gone and now the damage was left. Clara would be coming to pick him up, he packed everything away into his new backpack, with the picture of his parents on the top. Phil mentioned he could keep the phone and anything else they had bought previously. 

He pulled out a note book and a pen and started to write.

Dear Wilbur, Phil, Techno, 

I knew you for the shortest time yet you somehow manage to make my life a little happier. Sometimes it’s hard being thrown into a world all alone with no one to support you. I had that for 6 long years. 2 more years then I’m out of the system. Time is a funny thing isn’t it because these days have gone by so quick yet so slow.

I know it’s not your fault Wilbur don’t blame yourself. I know what it’s like to constantly carry the weight of something so big around with you. I think it’s better to know that it wasn’t your fault. No need to be guilty. 

Phil, you were the best parent anyone could ever ask for. You were so kind and did everything right. It’s not your fault also. I’m sorry I couldn’t have been a better person. Mistakes can be fixed right, that’s what you said. Maybe one day I’ll be fixed and no longer be this problem child.

Techno, I never really got to speak with you. You Seles pretty cool though. Please tell Dream to tell Tubbo about what happened, leaving out some details I don’t want him to worry. I also still have his number so I can talk to him. 

Tommy 

He folded the piece of paper and put it on the bed. It was no longer his bed. It was no longer his home. It was just a house with some good and bad memories attached to it.

Clara’s car pulled up i front of the house onto the driveway. Nothing is permanent.

Change can be scary. Lots of people don’t like change. The Watson family didn’t like the change that was happening in this Tuesday.

It was raining outside, and as Tommy got everything ready to leave. Phil was all done talking to Clara, Tommy walked up to Phil. 

“Is not your fault. I’m sorry. By Phil.” Those words weren’t signed they were spoken. In a raspy voice from misuse. 

Phil had researched about selective mutism when he found out he was going to foster the blonde boy. They only spoke to people when they were comfortable with there surroundings. Phil had done a good job with the boy. And as he waved the car off, he didn’t feel guilty just sad. Like a part of him had been ripped away. 

The car journey was the same as before. Except there was no I’m disappointed stare, it was more I’m sorry kid. Tommy had never been to a psych ward and from what Clara was chatting on about it was to keep him safe from himself.

It sounded more like a prison to Tommy, yet he didn’t complain. 

Camhs, the children and adolescents mental health service. The boy had been to a councillor multiple times before but this time was different. It wasn’t a one hour situation where he could blank them all. This was his residence until he was deemed safe from himself. 

Phil was still staring out the window 10 minutes after the car had driven away. He walked up to Tommy’s bedroom and saw the note sat in his bed. Unfolding it he saw the familiar messy hand writing of the boy and read the paragraphs. He cried and just sat there in silence. 

Phil didn’t go to work that day, he called in and explained. Instead he removed the furniture from the room and stated to paint it. He doesn’t know why he acted out but now the room was covered in the grey blue paint the boy had chosen from home base on the Saturday they first got him. 

The boy was not just a boy. He was Phil’s son. 

Phil had just lost a son.

Wilbur the whole day avoided people including Techno at school. Just sitting at the desk but never truly being present. He just felt empty inside. 

When the day was finally over, Phil handed the note over to the twins and told them they could read it themselves. 

They were all crying at the end of it.

Tommy was checked into a psych ward, it was just a basic room. Tommy wouldn’t say it was a scary place although he wouldn’t call it comfortable either. It was just a place in is opinion. There was a window and the staff seemed to be checking in on him every 15 minutes of so. His first impressions were okay for now. 

He was allowed certain things however some stuff was taken away from him since it wasn’t deemed safe. Tommy was unsure but it was better than being at a group home in his eyes.

Meal time was planned from what the staff were telling him. They would also make sure you take your meds, and ate. 

Tommy was grateful he was allowed to keep his phone. He could still message Tubbo at least. It was all a little boring to the boy. 

When it became lunch time he finally wasn’t on his own and headed to the dinning room. He sat down as the staff watched everyone eat. Then he was left to his own devices until he was called to a therapy room. 

“Okay Thomas, it says here on your file that you have been in Camhs before. It also says you’ve been in the foster system as well correct?” 

Tommy nodded answering the question. He wished he was still with Phil. Phil was safe. That house was safe. He never missed foster homes before so why did he miss this one.

“I’m going to ask some yes and no questions. You can answer with a shake or a nod of your head.”

“Was your attempt on Monday night premeditated!”

Tommy shock his head, he didn’t even realise he was doing it until Karl stopped him.

“Do you feel like you would do it again?”

The same response again.

“Have you self harmed before?”

A nod of the head. 

“Last question for a little while your doing good. Why did you do it?” The therapist asked as he handed Tommy a piece of paper.

Tommy was unsure how to answer so instead drew a question mark and showed it to the therapist.

“Thomas, you are going to be here for a while. My name is Dr. Eret, you can just call me Eret if you want. I am not the bad guy here okay, I just want to help.”

Tommy started to write, not looking up until he was finished. 

“Do you know what it’s like in the system. No. Then stop asking me questions like this and let me go back to Phil.”

“Thomas, I don’t know who Phil is but If you answer these questions I’m sure after a couple of months you could go back to him.”

Tommy somewhat liked the answer and stated to write again.

“I was confused, my emotions where all over the place. I didn’t even know what I was doing until Karl stopped me.”

“Who is Karl to you?”

“A friend I guess. Well more Techno’s friend he was driving past and saw me. He stopped me but then again I don’t think I would have jumped. I just wanted to feel something you know.”

The conversion went back and forth for about half an hour. Eret mentioned if Tommy kept up the good work he could be out of here by November. That was only a month away. Tommy liked that answer and as he headed back to the room, his feelings had changed yet again. 

No the room was not comfortable like Phil’s house, but it was safe. He was safe.

The Watson family home was quiet, the room to Tommy’s bedroom had been closed. Phil was worried for the boy he viewed as his son. That’s when he made a decision. He was going to phone Clara and ask if he was suitable to adopted the boy. 

“Hey Clara, you know how I asked yesterday if I would be legible to be Tommy’s father, have you got an answer for me?” Phil said with hesitation in his throat

“You are still suitable, however we need the boy to to fully recover from us trauma. But when he has fully cleared, we can certainly talk about that then” Clara answered

Phil relayed the conversation to his sons and the family homes atmosphere changed once again. 

Tommy was safe and that was all that mattered to Phil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is well, hopefully this explains why Wilbur snapped earlier. Also we will hopefully see Ghostbur sorta thing in the next chapter :)
> 
> I literally need to write German speaking stuff but I’m really lazy also, I’m literally hard of hearing and they expect me to be able to have a German accent like mate I barley hear the English one. Maybe I might lose my hearing aids so then I can’t listen to the speaking questions.
> 
> Anyway bye thanks for reading, leave a comment if you feel like it I love hearing what you think. Have a great day :)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self harm 
> 
> Also it will get happier. I thought I would mention this that when I describe sound I am doing so as a person who is hard of hearing I try and avoid the topic however sometimes it comes up. I do wear hearing aids so that helps but I wanted to mention it because for some reason I keep writing about noises that I can’t even flipping hear

Sleep is a weird thing, it’s yours. It’s personal, something that belongs to you and is special to you. So why do you get nightmares. Things that plague your sleep.

Tommy was used to the nightmares, they weren’t uncommon. The feeling of carrying the guilt of his parents death caused most of them. But as he fell asleep in the uncommon place a new person appeared in his dreams.

It was Wilbur, but wasn’t Wilbur. More a spirit of him, so Tommy nicknamed him Ghostbur. It wasn’t uncommon for Tommy to talk to him in the dream like state, yet he never remembered the conversation. The young boy never felt sad after waking up more at peace.

Weeks had past and Tommy never really felt anything whilst staying at this psych ward. The routine was the same, eat in the dining room, sit in his room, when he was permitted to have his phone he would always talk to Tubbo. 

They had become closer with Tommy learning the boys favourite thing was bees, he knew random facts about them thanks to Tubbo.

Tommy hated group meetings though, one thing he didn’t understand about the place. Nobody else should have to worry about his problems, they have there own. The staff never push Tommy to talk yet some people do question if he is mute. 

Today’s group meeting there was a new person in the ward. The staff at to introduce to the new person. 

“Hi.... Er my name is Purpled. That’s it.” The boy said 

Tommy glanced over giving him a smile. The conversation was going round for a while till Tommy was called out by a member of staff.

“You currently in a double room as a single person, that means Purpled will be moving into it by the end of the day. Unfortunately he doesn’t have the privilege of using a phone yet so to be able to use yours you must do it in a supervised area.” A member of staff said

Tommy nodded and headed back to his room, he saw Purpled at the other side of the room and smiled to him. He wasn’t sure what he was in here for since he zoned out through the group session but new it wasn’t really his concern to ask; and respected his boundaries.

Tommy had a meeting with Eret and he asked about seeing Wilbur in his dreams.

“Dreams are tricky, technically they are you subconscious meaning if you are seeing Wilbur or a form of Wilbur, I think your mind has forgiven him for what he said to you that night. It’s easy to get lost in your head however everything had a meaning and clearly you have forgiven him. That’s good progress Tommy.”

Tommy didn’t really have an opinion on Eret he seemed pretty chill but then again it was his job. He was nice enough not to make him speak and in Tommy’s books that was good enough.

As he was escorted back to his he saw Purpled glancing out of the window. Tommy could tell he wouldn’t to be out of here, Tommy was in the same position but instead of an attempt of a conversation the young blonde boy allayed back down on the foam mattress in his room. 

“I’m sorry to disturb you but do you know what time food is around here?” Purpled ask Tommy 

Tommy glanced over not sure how to answer since his pens and paper had been taken of him because of his new room mate. It was seemed a privilege to have items in rooms. Tommy was allowed them after a couple of weeks and good progress with Dr Eret. 

Tommy pointed to himself and then to his mouth and shook it to indicate he was mute. Purpled not understanding. So he attempted again, pointing to himself then his mouth vigorously shaking his head wishing the boy would understand.

“Ohh so you can’t talk”

Tommy smiled about the comment glad the boy understood what Tommy was saying. 

“Sorry… I’m not really to talkative however I guess I will be taking more in this conversation.”

Tommy wanted to go back to be able to text Tubbo however he new he had to deal with the boy.

The Watson’s home was seemingly quieter with Technk mainly round Dream’s house or Wilbur out with Niki. 

Phil had done everything he could, preparing what he could to see if he would be able to adopt the blonde.

Wilbur’s finger was hovering over Tommy’s contact, he the whole time had wanted to send a message to the boy but had never been able to face his demons. 

The day after Tommy left Wilbur had got black out drunk and Phil found him sat on a park bench. Phil felt sorry for Wilbur, it was the first time he had relapsed in a long while. The habit wasn’t healthy however it was helping the boy cope a little more. 

The days merged into weeks since the family had seen the boy. Tubbo was always there to tell them how he was getting along. He seemed to be okay from what Tubbo was saying which made Phil feel a little better.

Tubbo missed Tommy and Tommy missed Tubbo.

Tubbo just wanted to be able to help Tommy they would talk at certain times since that’s when Tubbo didn’t have school and Tommy didn’t have a therapy session.  
It was a routine and they would talk for hours however this day was different. Tommy didn’t send Tubbo a message saying good morning or saying how his day had been like usual. 

Why is it she bad things happen out brain automatically thinks the worse has happened. Why did Tubbo think that Tommy had done something stupid and relapsed. Why didn’t he think rationally about it. No instead panic rose and made him nervous, he needed to tell someone. 

Tommy was finally allowed to go and sit in a room and have his phone. He saw about 10 messages from Tubbo. He sat and read then an laughed at the boy.

Tommy: I’m alive cause no one can get rid of me since I am the biggest man to ever live

As the notification appears in Tubbos phone he immediately felt a wave of relief 

Tubbo: why didn’t you reply to me then?

Tommy: got a new kid sharing a room, he doesn’t have the privilege of “outside items” meaning now I only get an hour to talk to you 

Tubbo: oh well that sucks, let’s make the most of it then

The conversation went back and forth until the staff told Tommy he had to go back to his room. 

Purpled was still gazing out of the window, it wasn’t strange yet it did make Tommy confused.

When it was time for dinner Tommy headed over to his normal seat . The canteen and waited for the food to be set out so he could pick what he wanted.

The food was generally okay but not as good as Phil’s cooking, Tommy missed Phil, he missed everyone. 

Once they were escorted back to the room, Tommy was reading a book whilst Purpled hummed under his breathe. The sound wasn’t to bad it it was getting a bit unbearable. 

The staff came to tell them about lights out, headed to the bathroom. Changing into the nightwear he was allowed to own. He stared down at his wrists, they had messy white lines on his wrist. He hadn’t cut since the night before his the bridge incident.

As he headed of to bed he wondered if he would see ghostbur.

Change is something that scares us as humans. It is a difficult thing to understand. Perhaps it is down to the fear of the unknown. Tommy didn’t like how Ghostbur wasn’t in his dream that night. 

Wilbur finger had now pressed on Tommy icon, and started to write out his message. It was long and heartfelt. 

Wilbur: hey Tommy, wow this is weird. I’m sorry I didn’t message you sooner. You know I’ve had so much guilt building up. Some people write letters to dead live ones as a way of letting go. They write down everything down they wanted to say, it’s meant to help with letting go. No that doesn’t mean I’m letting go if you. I think it just mean I’m feeling guilty. I’m sorry about what I said I didn’t mean any of it. I would take it all back in a heartbeat. Anyway it’s late I hope you forgive me once you have read this. Even if you don’t I think I’ll feel better knowing that you have read this. Thanks 

The message was then delivered and Wilbur was felt a little bit of weight was lifted of him. He was able to sleep just a little better that night without the help of alcohol.

Tommy didn’t know what to expect when he saw the message on his phone in the morning. Tears flooded down and he felt loved again. I didn’t blame Wilbur that’s why Ghostbur no liner existed in his brain. 

Perhaps Ghostbur had passed on knowing he wasn’t to blame. Ghost only stayed because they had unfinished business, although he wasn’t a real ghost more a spirit created by Tommy’s brain, the young boy smiled at the fact everything was at peace. 

Time is yet again a difficult concept to grasp. It always existed and will forever be around. We can’t create time, or destroy it. A day is 24hours it’s just the way it is, we except it and move on. 

After spending a month in the ward. Tommy learnt a lot about himself. He was told he could be discharged by the end of November since he wasn’t deemed a risk to himself anymore. 

In the month that had past, nothing much happened at the Watson house. October was just like any month that happened previously, although all of the paperwork for Tommy’s adoption had been signed. 

Tommy wasn’t aware of this, nor was the rest of the family. It was going to be a surprise. The door of Tommy’s room was still closed not being touched by anyone. It was cleaned with the room staying the same apart from the grey blue walls that Phil had painted in a frantic mindset. 

Tommy was going to be allowed home. He was going to be able to pick Tommy up and take him back. Maybe the world isn’t so against the boy anymore.

Tommy was still unaware and thought when he was being discharged he was going to be at a group home. That wasn’t going to be the worse only two more years in the system. Still two more years in hell. Or was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed. I did the German work so that’s good I guess. Need to do pe course work now :( but heyyy we move on.
> 
> Agin my experiences in a psych ward may be different to yours, doesn’t make either of ours wrong
> 
> I hope you enjoyed leave a comment if you feel like it I love hearing what you have to say and I how you have a great day bye.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I’m sorry this is the last chapter. I hope everyone enjoyed reading this, this is my first fic.
> 
> This is very short because I’m not sure where to carry in the story.

Impermanence, it’s the fact that nothing stays for ever. We all have a beginning and end. Some ends come sooner then we would like others carry on too long. But what is truly our end, it’s not like we can be stopped, no we are all constant forces marching thanks to time to our inevitable doom. 

Change has come yet again to Tommy, it seems like a common thing. Why do things we like change, why can’t it always stay the same and the answer is don’t get attached to anything because at the end of the day it will all be gone on way or another.

Tommy liked Purpled, the got along quite well in the end with Tommy allowed his phone, typing on the notes app. Yet Tommy was leaving on November 1st, Clara was coming to pick him up after spend two long months in the psych ward.

Tommy didn’t feel any different from what he had before, still just an empty shell with a soul inside. Had he changed? Yes.

No?

The young boy wasn’t sure, yes he felt a little better about himself but then again trauma doesn’t heal over night. The pain will always become a scar. A cut that just gets deeper and deeper never really healing will always scar, it need s to be treated properly to heal correctly. The blonde never had the healing he deserved, now he had but that doesn’t mean a scar can stay shut forever.

He had packed his red backpack up, stuffing the bear in the bag. He thought back to the conversation with Phil, he asked what the bear was called, Tommy answered just bear. 

The bear yes was just a bear, however the bear had a name his name was Phil.

“Hey mate, congrats on getting out of hell. It was nice meeting you.” Purpled said as Tommy was final on the last item.

He smiled and waved goodbye, nothing stays forever. It’s weird when people are younger people say best friends forever, forever doesn’t exist nothing is forever other then time. 

Tommy was sat in the waiting room for Clara to come pick him up, picking at the lose threads on his shirt nervously.

“Hey Toms, how are you?” Clara asked softly

Tommy gave the thumbs up and quickly stood up heading over to where Clara was standing. 

“We have a home to get to, come on now.”

Tommy wasn’t sure where he was going, it was probably a group home. Group homes where never fun, constant loud annoying noise of young children yelling and the older kids picking on you. 

The car was the same as usual, Tommy sitting in silence, no radio, no music. It reminded him of when he was picked up from the house before Phil’s. 

That was in the summer. Time does fly. 

Our brains have long term and short term memory, and something in Tommy’s brain remembered these streets. They were the same streets he drove by to get to Phil’s house.

When we expect something or long for something we can get disappointed. It is a reason why we should be grateful for what we have.

Yet it was so familiar. 

A street. Was it Phil’s street?

Tommy new it was when he saw the same welcoming home in the middle of the street.

Was he going to be staying with Phil. 

When we are happy we are at a state of pleasure. Was Tommy in that state, yes.

As the car pulled up on the driveway Tommy felt at home. Why did he feel at home?

Home is a difficult subject yes it may be your home yet it doesn’t feel like it. Maybe it’s because you don’t feel safe there or maybe it’s just the fact you move around to much to call a house a home. But to Tommy this house, in the middle of this street was home. Or the closest thing he had experienced since he was 10.

10 year old Tommy was loud mouthed and always getting into trouble. 16 year old Tommy was anxious and quiet.

“Are you going to get out?” Clara questioned

Tommy’s hand pressed down on the silver handle and opened the car door. He got out and grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder.

Things that are familiar make you comfortable. Tommy was safe and comfortable.

He ran to Phil, hugging him. The older male had a smile on his face. Tommy was home. His son was home.

Tommy was confused with this situation.

“What’s going on?” Tommy signed 

“Whilst you were gone, I signed all the paper work for your adoption.” Phil replied 

Adoption.

No one wants teenagers. It’s always the younger children that get adopted first.

“Are you serious?”

“Of course I am.”

“Thank you.” Those words were spoken not signed, that was the second time he had spoken to Phil.

Selective mutism, is the over whelming anxiety. Tommy had never felt sure enough to speak. 

Some selective mutes choose to talk to family or friends, others don’t talk at all. Phil was family. 

Yeah, Phil was family.

Family isn’t just your blood. It’s the people who you care about and love you. Tommy hadn’t moved on from his parents death he still missed them a lot. But the weight that was lifted off him made him more free.

Techno, Phil, Wilbur and Tubbo where family. They might not be from blood and they may not be perfect yet they were still there for one another.

Two years after Phil a had adopted the boy, he came out of his shell. He would scream and yell. Phil couldn’t pay the boy to shut up.

They were family. They were all home. 

Impermanence is real never the less, yet if you live in the constant fear of losing someone you never live. 

To live is to be free, Tommy was free. Yes he had a dark pass nobody brought it up. If you live in the pass then you are scared of the future. 

Tommy was ready for the future, ready to fight what ever came his way. He still became anxious in social situations yet he had the confidence to speak up. 

Happiness is something we all strive for, we all want it and it may seem hard to get. Tommy wanted to be happy for the longest time and he finally was thanks to his make shift family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed. Again sorry this is so short, I really wasn’t sure how to carry this in and make it longer. 
> 
> If you have any suggestions for another book feel free to let me know. I don’t know I’d u will write again but if people enjoyed this I might. 
> 
> I also would like to write one with a deaf character since I am hard of hearing, if you want that please let me know 
> 
> Anyway have a great day hope everything goes your way bye :)


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